I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
