i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Mom said you looked used
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
