flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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