party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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