pop tarts are not kleenex
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
BRING THE BAGELS
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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