Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
