I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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