The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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