I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
