Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
