i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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