I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
