either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
