So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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