I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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