I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
