"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We had to coat check the pizza.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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