she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW