All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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