just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
