you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
