found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
