I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
