he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
