i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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