Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
