I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
