you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
