eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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