he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
