WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize