The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
