im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
We have so much sex to catch up on
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
