Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
