Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
