Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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