Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
