Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
