you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
