There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
