Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
