Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
