my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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