its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
