i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
