my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
