Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
