happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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