I think my vagina is haunted
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
