Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
