NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
