Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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