Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize