I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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